but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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