I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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