I just gift wrapped bread.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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