I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
