Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
