I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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