Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
