If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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