but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
