anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
