Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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