Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
