Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
