I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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