just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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