i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
What happened to fro yo and sex?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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