he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
