mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
