My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
