Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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