ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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