hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
