I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
they're like a gay fantastic four
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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