yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
