I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
