Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
