No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
