she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize