There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
