high people should be assigned attendants
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
