I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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