How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
