Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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