I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
