i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Sext me about skeletons
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
