Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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