can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Randomize
