he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
