Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
