A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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