I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
