I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
