the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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