He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
