It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
