Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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