Only a mothe r could love this liver
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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