new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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