Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
