Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
