my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
