$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize