If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
