I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
