Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
