I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
