my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
