So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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