I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
