My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
