so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
