i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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