Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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