Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
